You're back from hospital clutching your precious bundle - then you realise you've got your Louis Vuitton bag but left the baby behind! You need survival skills:
COURAGE: for the crying, the waking in the night and the tantrums - and when the baby starts that too it's even worse.
PATIENCE: of a saint, and the disposable income of a Premier League footballer.
Who knows, your kids might be perfect. You will be hated by every other parent, but that's a small price to pay, isn't it?
Clive Whichelow is a journalist and comedy writer andthe author of "It's Not Rocket Science and Other Irritating Modern Cliches. "Mike Haskins is a comedy writer fortelevision and radio andthe author of "We Are Doomed.""